Friday, July 6, 2007

I'm not sure why I couldn't get letters to appear in the Title line, but I'm not going to obsess about that right now.

I've been thinking all afternoon about why I'm so bothered about my friend, her pregnancy, the birth of her child, our friendship and everything else right now.

I really think that it's truly a combination of many things swirling together into a big yucky emotional mess for me. So many emotions that I don't quite know what to do with:

* Jealousy that she, the woman who didn't think she even wanted kids, could get pregnant easily and carry to term. This is, of course, balanced against the fact that I had always planned to adopt and was ambivalent about pregnancy -- it's just the fact that I COULDN'T do it right that really hurt. Even if I didn't WANT to bear children, part of me still stings that I CAN'T do it. Does that make sense?

* Pain for my friend Cigana, who recently suffered an early miscarriage at age 43 -- quite possibly her first and last pregancy.

* Unresolved issues about being left for dead by a person I thought was my friend.

* Petty bitchyness a la The Breakfast Club stemming from my life on the outside of the popular circle toward her, a pretty, smart, athletic member of the inner circle of society.

* Resentment toward myself that I haven't kept in touch as well as I'd like to, so maybe some of the blame for the lack of communication lies with me.

Okay, that's enough analysis for tonight. Tomorrow, I'll wake up just fine and send flowers or something. I'll buy the baby a cute Penn State outfit when I'm in State College next weekend and I'll oooh and aaah over him when I finally meet him. It'll all be fine. I'm just a little surprised at my reaction to the news and needed to vent a bit!

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